U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
