Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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