I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
