At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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