We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm experimenting with sincerity
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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