Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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