I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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