We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize