she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
