even my farts smell like vagina
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
