So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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