Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
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