after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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