I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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