I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
