Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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