wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
