Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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