Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
