so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
