When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
