Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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