i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
