theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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