i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize