he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
