Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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