went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
