When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Randomize
