4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
