connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
