: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
