So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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