Can i not drive my cunt home
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
