Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
