I can't watch pbs sober anymore
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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