I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
