hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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