Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
