A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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