Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
