I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize
