so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
