Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
