Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Randomize
