well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
