I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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