we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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