you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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