Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
