HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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