So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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