I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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