wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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