What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
