In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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