Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize