I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
