does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Sorry about my life...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
