Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
