is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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