I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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